Long Time, No See

I have tried just about everything I can think of to get to sleep tonight. It’s too hot, too humid, too worried. I write instead.

I think about how I got here, literally and geographically. Last week they asked me what I’m up to date on, and I very starkly I saw the number in my head: two years. I haven’t done anything in two years. It is the realization that about 75% of my tenure at this job has been not what I was hired to do. That it’s been two years since I’ve even done the lamest part of my job, two years I couldn’t really stray from, two years in a blink of an eye, and two years that feel like they for all intents were just flushed down the drain. Two years I’ll never get back.

Two years ago I resolved to get home and look for a job that I really wanted; I literally never made it. Instead, everything went completely into surreal Fucked-Up-Ville. Two years later I still find myself feeling I have no future in this job, but now the world is so messed up that I find myself saying that I’m grateful to have steady employment. I’m still stuck; now it’s just a different trap.

Everything this weekend feels piled on and bittersweet. My sense of calm is a distant memory. I think I’m just too stressed… and I can’t seem to sleep in order to recharge.

I vaguely pin my hopes that when it becomes three years, things will finally be looking clearer. I just want to catch some good breaks for a change.

I’m going to try again. Goodnight, what little is left.