Only in Movies?

Dear Odd Fellow Next to Me in the Bar:

I never thought I’d ever see the “second phone for the mistresses” bit in real life. You are apparently good at pulling that off despite being a loud and boorish middle-age douchebag. I guess the uniform helps. I enjoy the randomness of single-serving bar friends, but you are by far the creepiest guy I have ever met at a bar. I still feel violated and dirty, and I didn’t even dare talk to you…

Yuck.